I just got an email offering to sell me an app that takes all the work out of writing romance novels. It’s the “Kindle Romance Idea Generator.”
Yes, I’m serious. The sales page tells me “Writing a Romance Novel Can Mean a Lot of Cash!” It helpfully points out that “Ideas are the lifeblood of any good book,” but the problem is “ideas are hard to come by.”
This app “Generates Endless Heroine’s (sic) for Romance Books.” Hey, what’s an apostrophe between friends?
With one press of a button, you get a full description of a heroine for your romance novel. The sample profile gives such useful information as, “she can not stand the smell of mustard,” and “her favorite hobbies include crafts and pinochle.”
For a small extra fee you also get a profile of the hero and his characteristics. The sample description includes the fact that"his eyes are chocolate and his hair is light ash brown and his favorite hobbies include pinochle and bmx.”
Who knew that pinochle was so popular these days? Maybe if it’s a saucy romance novel they can play strip pinochle.
The upgraded app also gives you a clue as to what keeps the hero and heroine apart. One example is that the heroine went to a trendy night club and had a one-night stand with a man she met on the dance floor. She didn’t expect to meet him again, but it turns out he’s the loan officer handling the refinancing of her home. I don’t see how that would keep them apart. In fact, probably it would get her a lower interest rate.
If I were writing this novel, I’d make him the owner of a mustard factory. She loves him but she can’t stand the smell of mustard and breaks up with him. He opens a ketchup factory to try to win her back but loses everything due to a world-wide ketchup glut. I’d pitch it as a modern-day Romeo and Juliet…two lovers torn apart by condiments.
See, this thing works!
(Or you could buy my book, “Your Writing Coach,” but it assumes you have some ideas of your own.)