The site Thog's Masterclass contains a nice collection of writing that would have benefited greatly from the attentions of an editor. Here are some of the best (worst):
"The teacup-sized tears splashed down the front of his shirt..." (The Man With Absolute Motion, Silas Water)
"His two missing teeth could be seen only when he smiled." (The Memory Cathedral, Jack Dann)
"His thin moustache was neatly placed between a peaked nose and two eyes like black marbles." (Assassins Don't Die in Bed, Michael Avallone)
"She took a few paces within, her amber eyes clambering up library steps, sliding along polished shelves housing neatly ranged books within a mellow wood gallery then down the stairs on the opposite side of the room."
"Her breath caught in her throat and her nipple burrowed into his palm like a friendly mole." (Howl-O-Ween, Gary L. Holleman)
"He swept the antechamber with the eyes of a trapped animal." (Among Thieves, Poul Anderson)
And my favorite:
"She wore large bronze earrings made in an obscure country which rattled when she laughed." (Remembrance Day, Brian Aldiss)
If you have any favorites, feel free to share in the comments.