How do you feel about being
rejected--you, personally, or your writing or other project? Sarah Kliff wrote about this for
Newsweek a while back, with a review of some of the research on how we react to
rejection. It turns out that it doesn’t take much rejection to bring about
quite a few negative consequences:
“…research has found that
rejected individuals also become less social, are more likely to interpret
neutral words and behaviors as signs of rejection and score lower on
intelligence tests—all from a simple 15-minute activity [in which participants
were told they’d been rejected by a group]. And this pain was felt whether the
rejection came from someone we want to like us, or someone we couldn't care
less about. "There really aren't any limits," says [psychologist
Jean] Twenge. "Of course it hurts more when someone we care about rejects
us, but it even hurts when people that we hate reject us."
Another side-effect: the
more we get hurt by rejection, the more we push away connections. "It's
possible that in some cases it’s self-protective," says Twenge. "Even
though we know it's illogical, that it makes more sense to be nicer, that's not
what happens. The immediate reaction is to withdraw."
Yes, that sounds about
right. When I was working in Hollywood and some script project of mine got
twisted around or rejected, my first response was to indulge in fantasies of
moving to a Greek island and turning into a hermit. I have a friend who has basically
the same reaction, but his choice is Thailand.
Over time, I realized that
probably a career as a hermit is not really in my future, but allowing myself
to indulge in it for a while softened the blow. Based on personal experience,
here are four strategies that help (at least somewhat) to soften the blow
of rejections:
- Go ahead and
indulge your fantasies of escape, but try putting a time limit on it (e.g., for
48 hours or 72 hours I’m going to think about how great it would be to become a
hermit in Greece or Thailand—or your choice.)
- Have at least
one personal project that you work on just for the joy of working on it, and
that you may never subject for the approval (or disapproval) of others.
- Check whether
the rejection has anything useful in it—any constructive criticism you can
apply to improve the project. If so, note it even if you don’t feel like
working on it right now. (I’ve
left this as step number three, since it’s difficult to be objective when the sting
of rejection is still burning.)
- Remember how
many great books, works of art, and scientific theories have been rejected
before they finally were accepted and lauded.
I won’t pretend I’ve found a
way to make rejection fun; it’s still a pain in the neck or other parts of the
anatomy, but these steps should help.
(for tips on how to be more creative and productive, sign up now for my free monthly Brainstorm e-bulletin by sending an email request to [email protected])
