I was reading a writing magazine today that shall remain nameless. Specifically, an article on how to write dialogue, by a writer who shall remain nameless.
She starts with this sample sentence: "I know I locked that door but now it's open," said Roger.
She rightly points that it doesn't exactly leap off the page. As an alternative she offers this:
"I know," said Roger, staring at the key in his hand, "that I locked that door this morning but now it's open"
She says "by putting the 'said Roger' in the middle of the sentence, we introduce a more interesting rhythm that might catch the reader's attention."
Yeah, that clunking sound caught mine.
That's a TERRIBLE way to break up that sentence!
Better: "I know that I locked that door this morning," said Roger, staring at the key in his hand, "but now it's open."
Here's another option she offers: "I know I locked that door but new it's open?" Roger spoke in such a way that suggested he was asking her a question. Susan wondered if he was now doubting the 'fact' that he had locked it.
"In such a way that suggested he was asking a question." Clunk and double clunk.
One more example is all I can stand:
"Aren't we going to be late?" asked Anna, glancing up at the station clock.
Jeff was searching in his pocket for the tickets. "Not if we get a move on," he retorted without looking at her."
In your writing, please don't make anybody retort.
Ever.
LIsten, i know the world is full of bad writing like that and normally it doesn't disturb my Zen-like demeanor. But when it comes from someone holding these up as examples to learn from, it's more than I can stand.
I'm off for some calming deep breathing and a gin and tonic.
(I'm confident you will find better advice in my book, "Your Writing Coach," published by Nicholas Brealey and available from Amazon and other online and offline retailers.)
