On the Huffington Post, environmental activist and author Rick Bass wrote a rather far-ranging article on writing, including this practical tip:
"I've sprained my wrist sometimes, marking so hard through the second trailing sentence on a student's paper, or on one of mine--the Echo Sentence, I call it--when the same thought, or concept, has been said better--often brilliantly--in the previous sentence, Sentence Number One of the Old One-Two. With a good enough first line, there needn't be a follow-up.
An example: in the following student's scene, a young boy is upset, having been given some bad news by his father. The passage is as follows: "I rushed from the house, oblivious to the cold air that hit me when I opened the door. I crossed the yard and started to circle the barn, my hands in my pockets, the frozen grass crunching under my boots, anger clawing inside me."
This is okay. But listen to the next sentence--listen to the buzz go off, the Echo Sentence: "I felt helpless, then, and upset."
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By the way, this happens in scripts as well. The character says and does things that show how angry he is, and then he says something about how angry he is, or the narration points out how angry he is. You've heard the advice, "show, don't tell," and I guess we could add "show, don't show AND tell."
There are lots of useful writing tips in my book, "Your Writing Coach," published by Nicholas Brealey and available from Amazon and other booksellers.
