Recenty I shared with you a few types of writers who can make being part of a writing group an ordeal. Here are a few more to avoid if possble:
THE GRANNY
Her grandchildren love the stories she makes up for them, so this nice lady is convinced she can be a great children’s book author. Of course her very talented grandson, age 5, should illustrate the books. ("He's brilliant and I'm not just saying that becasue I'm his grandmother!"--Yes, you are.) She has a whole series in mind, so get ready for the story of How Bunny Wunny Loses His Mittens, His Keys, His Favorite Shirt, and His Mind. No, wait, that's what we'll lose if we hear one more of these.
THE PARANOID ONE
This writer is convinced everybody is out to steal his ideas. Who can blame him, when he’s working on a thriller set in the tense world of stamp collecting? I can see it now: "Daniel Craig IS Franklin McGillicuddy in STAMP!" This writer’s title pages have a skull and crossbones on them and a warning about the severe penalties for plagiarism. There are copyright symbols on every page, and every night he locks the manuscript in his safe. Don’t look too interested when he reads, it makes you a suspect.
THE SEEKER
Forget Dan Brown, this is the writer whose book is going to reveal it ALL: Stonehenge, the illuminati, Area 51, who really killed Kennedy, what Hitler is up to these days (he runs a small dry-cleaning establishment and ironically owes his longevity to eating a portion of gefilte fish every day). This writer's book also will reveal the date of the end of the world. Yes, 12/12 was a false alarm, this man knows the real date--but he’s not telling. Here’s a hint: he says he has to finish his book by next Tuesday.
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHER
This gentleman is convinced his life story will be a best seller and he’s determined not to leave out one minute of his career as an accountant for a paper clip company. Thrill to the day in 1955 when, while still a young trainee accountant, he discovered an error that saved the company $78! Sit on the edge of your chair wondering whether he could, against all odds, complete the company’s 1973 tax return before the deadline! And that doesn’t even take into account the inherent glamour of the paper clip trade. If no publisher takes this book, at least it will be something he can leave behind to torture his grandchildren.
THE REVENGER
This lady doesn't actually want to make a career of writing but there's one book inside of her, boiling to get out. It's an novel about a no-good scumbag of a husband who leaves his wife for a much younger woman and how both of them end up suffering a well-deserved agonizing death. Recently divorced, this writer has plenty of time to work on her book. When it's her turn to read she does sometimes hyperventilate, especially at the part where Alan, er, she means "Adam" runs off with that little bitch Leah, oops, she means "Lara."
As I advised last time, if you're organizing a writing group, show prospective members this post. If they laugh, they're in. If they turn defensive...
Another good test is whether they have bought and read "Your Creative Writing Masterclass," which contains writing advice from the best classic and modern writers, including Jane Austen, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway and many more. It's published by Nicholas Brealey and available from Amazon or your other favorite bookseller. It has been read by writers of taste and discernment who make wonderful additions to any writing group.
