Time to Write

Jurgen Wolff's Countdown to Christmas: the poor little (immigrant) match girl

Jurgen Wolff's Countdown to Christmas: If I'd been cuter

Jurgen Wolff's Countdown to Christmas: Bad news, Rudolph!

Writers' groups: the last 3 members to watch out for!!

This is the last (for now) in a series of portraits of people who sometimes dominate writing groups. Come on in and meet...

THE CHAOTIC

This writer hasn’t quite mastered numbering pages in order or actually bringing all of them to the meeting, so the reading will include phrases like, “Oh wait---that part comes before the bit I just read,” “Just a second, I can’t read my writing,” and “Oh no, this is from my other book.” It can be entertaining if you consider it as performance art.

THE JEKYLL AND HYDE

This writer is the most pleasant person you can imagine. He’s happy to share stories with you about how unfair agents and publishers are to writers like you and him, who surely deserve to get published. No, put that money away, he’s getting the drinks…until you get something published. Then he’ll turn on you in an instant. If he still buys you a drink it’ll be only because he’s slipped a little cyanide in it. 

THE KNOWS BETTER

This writer will listen very carefully when you read. It’s kind of gratifying the way he concentrates…until it’s time for feedback. Then he’ll give you a comprehensive account of how he’d make your story better. Nothing too drastic, just change the protagonist, the setting, the historical period, the style, the punctuation, the beginning, the ending, and the middle. Other than that, it’s fine.

(If you'd care to nominate any others, please leave a descirption in the comments and I'll add them to a future post.)

 

 

 

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Writers' groups: watch out for these types of writers

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Writing Groups: Five more people to watch out for

Recenty I shared with you a few types of writers who can make being part of a writing group an ordeal. Here are a few more to avoid if possble:

THE GRANNY

Her grandchildren love the stories she makes up for them, so this nice lady is convinced she can be a great children’s book author. Of course her very talented grandson, age 5, should illustrate the books. ("He's brilliant and I'm not just saying that becasue I'm his grandmother!"--Yes, you are.) She has a whole series in mind, so get ready for the story of How Bunny Wunny Loses His Mittens, His Keys, His Favorite Shirt, and His Mind. No, wait, that's what we'll lose if we hear one more of these.

THE PARANOID ONE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This writer is convinced everybody is out to steal his ideas. Who can blame him, when he’s working on a thriller set in the tense world of stamp collecting? I can see it now: "Daniel Craig IS Franklin McGillicuddy in STAMP!" This writer’s title pages have a skull and crossbones on them and a warning about the severe penalties for plagiarism. There are copyright symbols on every page, and every night he locks the manuscript in his safe. Don’t look too interested when he reads, it makes you a suspect.

 

THE SEEKER 

Forget Dan Brown, this is the writer whose book is going to reveal it ALL:  Stonehenge, the illuminati, Area 51, who really killed Kennedy, what Hitler is up to these days (he runs a small dry-cleaning establishment and ironically owes his longevity to eating a portion of gefilte fish every day). This writer's book also will reveal the date of the end of the world. Yes, 12/12 was a false alarm, this man knows the real date--but he’s not telling. Here’s a hint: he says he has to finish his book by next Tuesday.

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHER

This gentleman is convinced his life story will be a best seller and he’s determined not to leave out one minute of his career as an accountant for a paper clip company. Thrill to the day in 1955 when, while still a young trainee accountant, he discovered an error that saved the company $78! Sit on the edge of your chair wondering whether he could, against all odds, complete the company’s 1973 tax return before the deadline! And that doesn’t even take into account the inherent glamour of the paper clip trade. If no publisher takes this book, at least it will be something he can leave behind to torture his grandchildren. 

 

THE REVENGER

This lady doesn't actually want to make a career of writing but there's one book inside of her, boiling to get out. It's an novel about a no-good scumbag of a husband who leaves his wife for a much younger woman and how both of them end up suffering a well-deserved agonizing death. Recently divorced, this writer has plenty of time to work on her book. When it's her turn to read she does sometimes hyperventilate, especially at the part where Alan, er, she means "Adam" runs off with that little bitch Leah, oops, she means "Lara."

As I advised last time, if you're organizing a writing group, show prospective members this post. If they laugh, they're in. If they turn defensive...

Another good test is whether they have bought and read "Your Creative Writing Masterclass," which contains writing advice from the best classic and modern writers, including Jane Austen, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway and many more. It's published by Nicholas Brealey and available from Amazon or your other favorite bookseller. It has been read by writers of taste and discernment who make wonderful additions to any writing group.

Writers and artists...get support where you can (not necessarily where you expect)

        (c) 2013 jurgen Wolff

Writers' groups: watch out for these types of writers

Writers' groups can be great. It's helpful to get constructive feedback on your work and satisfying to give it. However, sometimes such groups are dominated by one or more of the following characters, in which case run for your life.

1. THE DEPRESSIVE

She writes poetry about death, suicide, ravens, Satan, rain, sadness, broken hearts, spiders and flies, and funerals. She's prone to bursting into tears while reading her latest creation. The group is afraid to criticize her poems in case it sends her over the edge, although they're tempted. 

2. THE WRITER OF EPIC MULTI-VOLUME FANTASY NOVELS

Before he reads his work he has to explain to you the history, culture, geography, topography, language and customs of the people of the land of Fnarr, which he has been creating in his mind since he was five. That's Fnarr II, of course, because Fnarr I was destroyed by Zokitosh, second son of...hey, pay attention!

3. THE BITTER WRITER

This guy knows there's a conspiracy to keep talented newcomers like him out of the writing game. Agents are in on it, publishers are in on it, even the people who run Amazon are in on it, and he has the rejection slips and the zero Kindle sales to prove it. Sit down, he'll tell you all about it. There's a lot.

4. THE APOLOGIST

She spends the first 15 minutes of her reading slot telling you that what she's written really isn't any good, she probably shouldn't even be in this group because she's not as good as everybody else, and she needs to rewrite it. Once she does start reading her work, she interrupts herself to say "I need to rework this next bit" or "ignore this part, it really should be in a different chapter." 

If you can't find a writing group that's not dominated by one of these characters, start your own. Show them this post. If they laugh, let them join.

(While you're at, make sure all prospective members of your new group have bought my book, "Your Writing Coach," published by Nicholas Brealey and purchased only by the nicest people.) 

 

 

The danger of waiting for your Muse before you start to write (illustrated)

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copyright, 2013 jurgen wolff

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Beckett's inspiration for Waiting for Godot

Just for Fun: Observed in Las Vegas

This has nothing to do with writing, but I just finished a visit to Las Vegas, a great place to people watch. This is one of the sketches I did...I call it "The Joy of Gambling" 

There is also an M&M World in Las Vegas, where you can buy the candy and a LOT of merchandise, if you wish to show your kinship with the brand. I noticed it tended to attract a certain type of person...

Three common word choice mistakes to avoid

Yes, it's our old friend "sneak peak." This one wins as the most common word choice mistake being made these days, based on a totally unscientific survey of one person who reads a lot (me). Anyway, unless you have in mind a crafty moutaintop, it's "sneak peek."

 

Here's one I ran across the other day: "standing on principal." The author meant "principle," I assume.

The 'pal' version refers to that chap (or chapess) you are sent to see if you have been chewing gum or, these days, assaulting a teacher with a semi-automatic weapon during math class.

It can also refer to a sum of money that is earning you interest (although not much at the moment). 

Finally, another one that seems to be proliferating: "I was pouring over your manuscript..." Not unless you were watering it. Otherwise it's "poring over."